Back home in Maine I'm now getting reports they are having lots and lots of fun with lots and lots of snow!!! NOT!!!!
I just want to say to all my friends back home in Maine and New Hampshire......I feel your pain. Really. I do. That's why I'm not there anymore. I had enough pain in the neck cold weather and have had my fill of shoveling snow to last a lifetime already.
Anyhow, someone sent me this diary of living in Maine and I thought it was a hoot. It is sooooooo true. I changed a few bad words and put in quotes to make it not so R rated but you get the idea.
Dear Diary: Maine Winters
Aug. 12 - Moved into our new home in Maine . It is so beautiful here. The hills and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a beautiful old oak tree in my front yard. Can hardly wait to see the change in the seasons. This is truly God's country.
Oct. 14 - Maine is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special places on Earth. The leaves are turning a multitude of different colors. I love all of the shades of reds, oranges, and yellows - they are so bright. I want to walk through all of the beautiful hills and spot some white tail deer. They are so graceful, certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on Earth. This must be paradise.
Nov. 11 - Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine why anyone would want to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very symbol of peace and tranquility here in Maine . I hope it snows soon. I love it here!
Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. I woke to the usual wonderful site: everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak tree is magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out an swept the snow from the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp, clean, and refreshing. We had a snowball fight and I won! The Snowplow came down the street. He must have gotten too close to the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place - Nature in harmony. I love it here!
Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute little trick again - what a rascal. A winter wonderland. I love it here!
Dec. 19 - More snow - couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work on time. I'm exhausted from all of the shoveling. And that snowplow!
Dec. 21 - More of that white "stuff" coming down. I've got blisters on my hands and a kink in my back. I think that snowplow driver waits around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. "Jerk." .
Dec. 25 - White Christmas? More freakin' snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonofa "gun" who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. And why don't they use more salt on these roads to melt this crap?
Dec. 28 - It hasn't stopped snowing since Christmas. I have been inside since then, except of course when that "SOG" "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows. Weather man says to expect another 10 inches. Do you have any idea how many shovelfuls 10 inches is?
Jan. 1 - Happy New Year? The way it's coming down it won't melt until the 4th of July. The snowplow got stuck down the road and the "knothead" actually had the "gumption" to come and ask to borrow a shovel! I told him I'd broken 6 already this season.
Jan 4 - Finally got out of the house. We went to the store to get some food and a freakin' deer ran out in front of the car and I hit the "thing". It did $3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts ought to be killed. The hunters should have a longer season if you ask me.
Jan. 27 - Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the snow into ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak tree in the front yard - it went right through the roof. I should have cut that old piece of "poop" into firewood when I had the chance.
May 2 - Took my car to the local garage. Would you believe the whole underside of the car is rusted away from all the damned salt they dump on the road? Car looks like a bashed up heap of rusted cow "dung".
May 10 - Sold the car, the house, and moved to Arizona . I can't imagine why anyone in their right freakin' mind would ever want to live in the state of Maine .