There are a number of variables about this scenario that we as the readers don't know.

Yes, that's a big part right there. And I do think my being the mom of boys and Gid, you the dad of girls makes a difference in the way you look at this scenerio. At 22 I was married with one baby and another on the way. This girl here is in no danger and is not planning to live with her boyfriend, so that's not a parental concern.

I have a 21 year old in VA, a 23 year old in Ohio and a 24 year old in Kentucky. And they are all doing great and with the exception of the one in college very productive and financially secure without any help from us. That's how it should be.

Would you allow your 18 yr old daughter go to Austin for college? If so, why not a 22 year old to locate there regardless if a boy is involved or not. Quite often these girls find their future husbands in college and when they do they spend every moment out of class with them and meet them there year after year. What's the difference? I have another 22 year old here that recently moved about 15 hrs away from home to start teaching in another state not knowing anyone. Why would that be better? At least this girl in the story knows someone.

From my angle knowing most of the pieces of this puzzle, I see control and a relunctance on the part of the parent's in letting go. It's not the first time I've seen this. It is quite common especially in these modern times.

let's face it, us kids these days are not emotionally maturing as soon as they used to back in the olden days . . .

absolutely. This is very true. Think about history and all the great leaders of yesteryear and how old they started out on their own. Quite often it was 14 or 15. Even in the days of WWI and WWII the boys were getting in at 16 or 17 mostly lying about their age.

I don't know if getting in the middle would be the best idea. It might create friction down the road.

this doesn't seem to be the case here. I wasn't really a contributing factor so much as a listening ear. This girl had her mind made up.

I think any issue that involves parents and kids even older kids can get really heated and subjective. So there is no really easy answers here.

I have a 21 year old in VA, a 23 year old in Ohio and a 24 year old in Kentucky. And they are all doing great and with the exception of the one in college very productive and financially secure without any help from us. That's how it should be.

Anyone following your blog knew that.  And last time I drove those roads, none are 7 hours from you (sorry!  Maybe you should get a Leer Jet. )

And last time I drove those roads, none are 7 hours from you (sorry! Maybe you should get a Leer Jet. )

hahah ain't that the truth!! We spend all our free time visiting our kids getting ready to hit all those three states in November. Tho I have to say they have all been good about coming home when they can. We had all home last Christmas and all were home this spring with one staying all summer working here.

Thank goodness for emails, IM and cell phones. We stay in touch weekly pretty well but I'll work on that leer jet thing. Maybe I'll request one for Christmas this year.   

Yes, that's a big part right there. And I do think my being the mom of boys and Gid, you the dad of girls makes a difference in the way you look at this scenerio. At 22 I was married with one baby and another on the way. This girl here is in no danger and is not planning to live with her boyfriend, so that's not a parental concern.

I'll respond to this one first. Do you know how many times girls have moved away not planning on moving in with their boyfriends, only to have a bad roommate experience lead them to decide to move in? I can't count the number of times I have seen this scenario play out in one way or another. Not to say that would happen here, but it's more likely to occur when the individual is outside the scope of parental influence.

I find it odd, KFC, that some of the rules you encourage others to follow are rules you are more than willing to waive for those close to you. This isn't the first time I have seen this.

I'm sure the girl is in no danger, but I'm also sure the parents have her best interests at heart. Wouldn't it have been better to encourage the girl to continue to work with her parents and communicate with them more to prepare for the move? When does the commandment to "honor your father and mother" become null and void? And can a relationship founded on rebellion truly thrive and prosper without a great deal of difficulty? I really think these concerns should have factored into your advice to this girl. Yes, she is 22, not 18, but encouraging a spirit of rebellion will only foster that spirit of rebellion in her relationship with her boyfriend. This could lead to some relationship problems down the road.

Would you allow your 18 yr old daughter go to Austin for college? If so, why not a 22 year old to locate there regardless if a boy is involved or not. Quite often these girls find their future husbands in college and when they do they spend every moment out of class with them and meet them there year after year. What's the difference?

If she is going there for college, she's going there to prepare for a future. She is not "putting all her eggs in one basket" as this girl is; if the relationship fails, the girl is stuck in a strange city 400 miles from her extended family.

I personally agree the family made an unwise decision in this, because they made it far less likely that she will return to them for advice if problems come up. Better to accept her decisions as an adult without approving of them, and let her know the door is always open.

From my angle knowing most of the pieces of this puzzle, I see control and a relunctance on the part of the parent's in letting go. It's not the first time I've seen this. It is quite common especially in these modern times.

I won't disagree about the control and reluctance. But how would you feel, KFC, if the parents of one of your boys' girlfriends was encouraging your son to rebel against you and your husband's authority? Would you feel they were acting biblically?

As for your comment "it is quite common especially in these modern times", KFC, I would argue it is not common ENOUGH. In our culture we too often feel like breaking away from the nest means we must abandon the wisdom of our parents and make our own way, and make all our mistakes all over. One of the advantages we have as humans is that we live long enough to impart our wisdom to future generations.

You speak as if this was a modern problem, KFC, it is not. 150 years ago, the idea of an unmarried woman moving 400 miles away from her family to be with the man she intended to marry would have been unthinkable unless she had a relative she could stay with, who could advise her and offer her a home. If anything, the parents' reluctance is more of a TRADITIONAL mindset than it is a MODERN mindset.

I know you love your children, KFC, and I know you love this young lady as well. It is obvious in your writing. But I think you should step outside of the equation for a while and ask yourself if the advice you are giving this young lady is honestly the advice you would give another couple in similar situations. I am sure your boys are decent, honorable men, KFC, but let's not forget that they are young, and are prone to making some less than wise choices. None of them are in any way above temptation. Your advice might be better received if it was at all considerate of the feelings of the parents of this girl, who, although they are not making the decisions I would make, clearly want the best for their daughter, just as you want the best for your sons.

I'll respond to this one first. Do you know how many times girls have moved away not planning on moving in with their boyfriends, only to have a bad roommate experience lead them to decide to move in? I can't count the number of times I have seen this scenario play out in one way or another. Not to say that would happen here, but it's more likely to occur when the individual is outside the scope of parental influence.

I know of a recent scenario just like this with a 25 year old. Someone who being 25 should be old enough to be on her own and do for herself but isn't. Mom and dad are constantly bailing her out of one problem or one situation or another.



Being the mom of a 17 year old girl, if this were to happen to me, I would be just as upset as the parents were. I don't think in their anxiety that they handled it in the right way, because as Gid said, how they handled it means she will not communicate to them or with them if she's in dire straigts! So that door might not be an option for her if she needs it, not because of the parents, because it sounds like they haven't turned their backs on her, but rather, because of herself, she will not seek them out.

It sounds to me, and I can only go by what you have said in your blog, that since she has had problems in the past, perhaps this is why they wanted to have her closer to home. Knowing the type of situations she has been in and does get herself in. I would say they are only being protective of her and there's nothing wrong with that.

I would seriously be upset with you as a friend of the family for letting it play out this way KFC, (not blaming you entirely) and as the mother of two girls, I am being totally honest here.

She's 22 and old enough to have been out there in the world, but as I mentioned, perhaps the parents are more privvy to facts that you and the boy are not privvy to. And being the boyfriend, his pov, what he sees, how he sees it, may definately be different than how it really is.

Being committed to each other as you say, not ready for marriage because they are young, I totally understand. But being committed and being close to the family, perhaps he should have been grown up enough to have a talk with the parents and say, this is what's going on, etc, etc, just to put the parents minds at rest, and to perhaps even have an engagement that only they know about, not everyone else. There are long engagements, and there are even longer engagements, you get what I'm saying? So, it could have done much better than what happend. IMO.

What happens when she comes off cloud nine? Will she be able to handle it? What if the boy is not there for her as much as she wants him to be? What happens then?

Well she's been in communication with Mom and Dad so that is a good thing. She did all she could Gid to be respectful of them as I wrote. That's one of the reasons it took her so long to finally make this decision. She's not one to be involved in confrontation and wanted everyone to be ok here. She does honor her parents but she was ready to go out on her own. She felt she was suffocating.

Please believe me, my part was very small here but I support her entirely and still do. I do regret that it had to happen this way. Actually I moved out of my home under a similar situation as did my husband. So I'm thinking this is not totally strange here.

She is not "putting all her eggs in one basket" as this girl is; if the relationship fails, the girl is stuck in a strange city 400 miles from her extended family.

I don't see the diff if she works at a place near home or works for the same organization 7 hours away. She's not stuck. She can always go back home if she needs to but I don't think will happen. These two do seem very committed here. Also the other girl that moved 15 hours aways alone for a job I believe is worse off than this girl is.

Wouldn't it have been better to encourage the girl to continue to work with her parents and communicate with them more to prepare for the move?

Yes, and this was done and the reason it took so long. But the parents chose not to believe whatever the girl had to say nor the boy. The boy was frustrated when he talked to the Dad. The Dad would not listen and chose not to believe anything the boy had to say so the boy basically said, why bother talking to him. He believes what he wants to believe. A lot of assumptions were made that were not true.

One of the things the parents assumed was the boy was pressuring the girl to go and he was not. He was, in fact, discouraging this (in the beginning). He tried to tell the Dad this but the dad refused to listen. It got to the point where the boy just shut down and figured it did no good to discuss this issue with the Dad. He just let the Dad vent and said nothing. The boy started to see his girlfriend's situation in a new light after talking to this angry Dad.

This boy has been from what I can see very respectful here. He's a big believer in going to the Dad before proposing and plans to do so when the time is right. He just didn't want the parents pushing this to happen. Especially now, this is not the time. I think when the time is right and the boy goes to the Dad requesting his daughter's hand in marriage all will be patched up.

I find it odd, KFC, that some of the rules you encourage others to follow are rules you are more than willing to waive for those close to you. This isn't the first time I have seen this.

I would appreciate it Gid if you would expound on this. I have no idea what you mean by this.

I appreciate your comments Gid and FS. I don't think we are as far apart in our thinking as you may think. If you were here in my shoes I totally believe your eyebrows would lift and see what I see. In fact your kids are still young, you may yet.

Please believe me, my part was very small here but I support her entirely and still do.

This is directly contradictory to your opening statement in which you said:

I've been on the phone for two weeks trying to help a young 22 year old girl get away from her parents.

Now, perhaps you overstated your role in that sentence, but that sounds very much like someone who is playing a very active part in the whole thing.

I've been tempted to take apart your article to show you where the parents may not have been as unreasonable as you make them out to be. You make the request for $600 for car payments and insurance sound unreasonable; but in my experience, a $400+ car payment is not that uncommon, coupled with high insurance rates for a driver under the age of 22.

I've read most of your articles, as you know, KFC, enough to believe we're not that far apart philosophically, really. I cannot even BEGIN to imagine advising someone at that age to make such a move. As you well know, at that age, young adults are often quite driven by their impulses, which is why it is helpful for them to have strong adult role models to guide them in making such decisions. They may not MEAN to do anything that would dishonor God, but it's so easy to get into a compromising situation when there are limited avenues of accountability. And not just over the phone. And I have little doubt the parents were trying to protect her from the consequences of some of the choices she could make; consequences that could affect the rest of both of their lives.

As for the reading the email, again, it's not that unreasonable. She was living at home, right? If she really didn't want her parents to read her email, it's easy enough to accomplish, and I'm sure she was well aware of it.

Where I really took issue with your article, KFC, was not with your advocating for the young woman, but with your implied intervention (again, reread your first sentence and tell me that's not the way it reads), as well as your implication that these parents are somehow hypercontrolling beasts, when their actions are actually entirely consistent with those of loving Christian parents who simply do not want to see their daughter get hurt.

I would appreciate it Gid if you would expound on this. I have no idea what you mean by this.

I've already expounded on part of it privately, and won't repeat it publicly, out of respect for you. I feel that while you are full of good advice, you seem to rationalize away when your own family doesn't follow that advice. Again, I just can't see you offering the same advice to a woman if you weren't so close to the man in the relationship.

I do hope all works out well for these two, KFC. But just from what youve written, I can see some potential cause for concern. As, likely, could the girl's parents.

Now, perhaps you overstated your role in that sentence

yes, this would be fair to say. Basically my part was only in the last two weeks and seeing this went on for a couple of months to a lesser extent I felt my part was minimal. Basically like I said, giving my two cents to the situation from an observational point only. I never made any calls. The calls were made to me. So I didn't really do any intervening.

You make the request for $600 for car payments and insurance sound unreasonable; but in my experience, a $400+ car payment is not that uncommon, coupled with high insurance rates for a driver under the age of 22.

all I can say here is wow!! My three boys all have cars. None have payments as they bought used cars. One just got insurance this past week and it's 400+ for the year. The other married son also has a 400+ bill he just received and my youngest on our policy has a 500+ bill (one speeding ticket). So in one month they could have the insurance paid. All are under the age of 25 so I imagine her being a girl should help somewhat. So yes 600 a month seems huge to us. Even tho no collision is included on the boy's insurance I can't really imagine that would make THAT much of a difference if they had collision, but yes I suppose this could be. It's just like I said from where we sit, it seems a bit extreme.

As for the reading the email, again, it's not that unreasonable.

well this is where we'd disagree the most. Maybe I'd agree if she was under 18. I did certain things to check on the kids under age but only if I felt there was something amiss. I never had to do it with my first born. There was no reason. But with my other two, yes, I did check on things to make sure they were kept safe. I was able to thwart a few plans along the way they still have no idea about. But after writing this, I have a hunch I'm gonna be asked....

I feel that while you are full of good advice, you seem to rationalize away when your own family doesn't follow that advice.

ahhh now I know what you're talking about. That's how you see it but no, if you ask the child involved, he would tell you we are not happy with how this pregnancy came about. "My rationalization" if you want to call it that would be from a human perspective. I only commented that I was grateful, as the mom, that it didn't happen when they were in HS and at least they were engaged to be married so it wasn't a "we have to get married type of thing." So if you call it rationalizing...so be it. But even tho it's my son, doesn't make it right. I'm a lot more objective than you give me credit for. We still are disappointed in them in that respect but will have to get over it and celebrate the new birth or it will not be a good thing. I do know they are in good shape now to be in this position and for that I am grateful. We are now in the "let's support them" mode. What else is there for us to do?

quote]I do hope all works out well for these two, KFC.

Thanks Gid. Me too and I have a hunch all will be ok in the end. I would chalk alot of this up to "growing pains."